A Crisis of Integrity

Last week, I got another email from my assistant principal about some technology that had been assigned to me last year. Long story short, it wasn't until I went to the school and looked for it that the tech was found.

While I knew it was unreasonable to think that someone had just walked off with a large, heavy, awkward piece of equipment, my stomach apparently was not paying attention to my brain. It was in knots! I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to find the device, and that some other teacher would have to start the school year without equipment that can be really useful, and it would be my fault. That was what worried me, even more than the possibility that I would be held financially responsible and have to pay for it.

I was desperate.

Perhaps whoever-it-was was right; there really are no atheists in foxholes. Because even while realizing that it was a silly, stupid idea, I found myself thinking, "God, or whoever might be listening, if you will let me find this dumb thing now, I will start going back to church."

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

And of course, yes, I found the darn thing within five minutes. At first, naturally, I was like "hurray!" and I was super relieved. And I was proud of myself, because it was right where I'd suspected it would be. Let's face it - being right is pretty sweet! But then after I remembered my 'deal' I was annoyed with myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Do I really think it was divine intervention? Definitely not. Did finding the equipment make me believe a little more in god? Nope... not particularly. I'm pretty open to possibility, and even before finding it I had sort of decided that the best descriptor for me was "theistic-leaning agnostic" rather than "atheist."

So I found myself in something of a quandary. I stopped going to church not only because of my own loss of faith, but also because while I didn't want to speak out against ideas and practices I no longer believed in, and cause problems for others, I felt that by passively "playing along" I was implying that I do believe -- that by doing so I was acting a lie, if not speaking one. But I also believe in keeping your word. And while I still don't believe in god, I made that promise to myself as much as anyone or anything else. I know that I said I would, and so it doesn't much matter whether or not anyone else was listening.

I did end up going to church -- or to the small prayer/study group that meets before the service, at any rate. It was pretty miserable, and I ducked out and didn't attend the service. That would have felt disrespectful and even blasphemous.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow. I think both the wording and intent of my idiot oath implied more than just one visit. Still, these are good, kind people, and I feel like I'm lying to them, and that's really difficult for me.

But I don't know that I'm ready to tell them the truth.